I wasn't always like this....

My testimony, written more openly than before. The Lord put it on my heart to open up more, and I feel comfortable enough to post this here. I'm pleading that if you chose to read it that you keep the Lord on your mind and how He can take a life and make it into so much more .....
My Testimony You know, I wasn't always like this. I once lived oblivious to what happiness truly meant, nor where it was truly found. I lived a normal childhood, and things started to change and I realized that life wasn't what those Disney movies portrayed. I had it better than a lot of other families had. I was an only child but my mother had a son from a previous marriage, and my dad had 2 daughters and a son from his own previous marriage; so I grew up with my brother who is 3 years older than I. My sister would come over frequently and pick me up and she would tell me about the real world as if I was her age. She was unhappily married and opened up about everything, trusted in my little child heart and I listened. Cynical views and everyone had a motive was only listened to and I never really believed her. It wasn't until I was about 7 did I realize where her anger came from and I was deeply betrayed and the innocence of my snow globe world shattered to the ground. It could have been far worse but it was still betrayal of all I had ever known and I kept it to myself for years and years. It's amazing how a child could know something was wrong even though they were never truly taught about the deviance of sin and about lies that came from the hole where the devils heart is missing. I see now that Christ would give me peace in the "in-between" the harsh times and good times. I was able to mask hurt and present myself, as well as feel, like an everyday normal kid around others. But trusting was impossible and I would shift from a happy little teenager to an angry and depressed one.
Wandering Blindly As a teenager I was still wondering down a broken and broad road, blind to the lies society would feed me, I followed my friends. I longed to be loved and accepted but it just seemed like I was never satisfied. I thought that maybe finding someone to love me would fix things. But I found out quickly that abstinence also earned me no relationship, which was hard but I wasn't willing to pay the price of caving in to that kind of peer-pressure. I thank the Lord often for conviction I had about that, even though I wasn't raised in church or taught purity for the Lord. So in loneliness I drank with my friends, and I picked up a cigarette addiction but it was all by my own choice.... I was sad... It made me feel like I was apart of something but every time before drifting off into sleep, I felt that emptiness again.
When the Road Shifted The summer of my 7th grade year I was rebellious as can be and went out a partied on the weekends with my less than responsible friends. My mother couldn't handle me, we would argue all the time even though she was the one constant thing in my life, 2 years before my dad had left us for some other woman and her children. In ways I was hurt but in ways I know I had wished for it deeply. But I defied her in everything though I loved her very much. After visiting my dad for a week, after a huge fight with my mother and her boyfriend, I came home to my mother telling me that she had my things packed and I should live with my father. I couldn't believe it, I ran up to cry in my room and the security of my bed and pillow for my tissue lol. I found my little 14 year old life was packed up in trash bags and my bed propped up against the wall.
I reluctantly lived went to live with my dad, to be honest, it wasn't the greatest... I reformed slowly and had no freedom what so ever (It wasn't a religious strictness that he ruled his house with, if your wondering). Things were so messed up, I hated there I felt like I was in prison, and it wasn't the drinking or parties that I missed. I missed being able to go to a friends house and just talk. Being able to walk down to the store and buy a pop. I grew to absolutely love school, when given the day to play "hooky" I took the bus. Going to school I met someone who was to me a reminder of home and she always was laughing. We became friends and I was glad to have someone outside the dark and dreary house. Even if I was on the end of the jokes, I still liked being around her and her other friend because I felt we all had a lot in common. Then after a while my mom would let me call her on my lunches and I would tell her of the family drama. Slowly but surely I got to go home. I changed in the fact I was thrilled I got to go back to my home town but everything had changed and it seems my "friends" had forgotten me. But the ones who hadn't were the main ones that helped me get into trouble. I went back to the weekend parties but I was more "responsible", meaning I wasn't as defiant to my mother and if I did party I wouldn't come home. I skipped a lot of school... A Lot of school. I kept in touch with my friend though and visited her often even though she was quite a while away.
He started calling...My 10th grade year we moved to a town far out of the way but I still went to my high school, and skipping became really easy because my brothers friends were renting out my childhood home and the house was jammed pack with older teens that were happy to help me call off. I spent a lot of time with my brother then, (he wasn't always the party person, we sort of grew into that, but I remember one time before he was 15, telling me he was baptized, about Jesus, and he listened to Jars of Clay (flood cd) and DC talk (Jesus Freak cd) but it was short lived). There I tried marijuana (pot) a few times and the last time I did was a terrible experience and yes, I thought I was going to die. My 11th grade year was the worst ( I switched to the Medina and left my old hometowns school) and still the same but I convinced myself I was happy even through my sadness. God really kept calling out to me, through out my whole life he had been calling me in subtle ways but it seems he raised his voice. I didn't have many friends but I had befriended another girl and we sat with what they called the goth kids. We had our little spot outside under a tree and there was this guy who would pass us by and tell us that Jesus loved us and we would laugh. He got in an argument (light spoken on his side) with one of my friends and then he just bluntly told us that the reason we were acting out the way we were was because someone had "betrayed" us in the past and I became so angry. Then I was shocked that most of us shared our own stories and that hurt. I shoved it in the back of my mind and really didn't like the kid even when those girls he judged (even if he was correct) became more friendly towards him afterward. But I started questioning things about God, and searching for that "something more". I quit school that year in my depression. The Witness I hadn't spent time with my friend (that I had made friends with in my dads town) in the longest time and when I had last spoken to her she was going through a lot of things. When I came to visit her, she was shocked and said I was just thinking about calling you not to long ago. We sat in her garage and she looked so different I was shocked. Not a shred of black on, nor any colors of the rainbow in her hair. She told me about how she started going to church and how the devil had plagued her mind (I'm keeping her testimony private for her to tell) and how Christ had healed her heart. She told me about a prayer meeting and it gave me goosebumps. She was telling me about how the youth was filled with the Holy Ghost and God literally came down on all of them. It was so powerful that even as a sinner it gave me goosebumps. Still I wasn't sure but I knew she had never really lied about anything like that with me, way back in middle school we messed with the "devils board" and nothing happened when we alone would try it, it would only stay still (believe me though, those things are evil!!! And just asking for demons) anyways, I left her house, a little shocked and in awe. Each time I'd stay over she tell me things about the Bible and living by the word of God. She told me about Oneness and the Holy Ghost. She told me about church. One Saturday night after one of our talks I asked if I could go to the Sunday school service. She was surprised and took me. Everyone was so sweet and they all seemed so sincere. Gradually I started going more, and then through the preaching and the change I had saw in my friend my curiosity grew and grew. I remember one of my preachers preaching about that emptiness and about the lies the world gives and how Christ was that something more, I can't say his exact words but God spoke them into his heart because he had stated some really deep thoughts of mine out loud.
Outreached Hand Everyone would always ask me to go and pray. I would always so no way. But I would sit and watch. Our church is very blessed in preaching, music, and prayer. It was so strange and left me in awe in ways. I remember one night I had been crying trying to figure it all out and I prayed "Lord, if this is the right church then (I looked around for a person I thought would never speak to me because I wasn't dressed proper, believe me) have that man come and ask me to go to the alter and pray" Now I know we aren't suppose to tempt the Lord but I was sincerely concerned that if I did and this church wasn't the "right" I would live life going to a church that wasn't truly Christ's church and go to hell. Anyways I started to noticed the old man, that I had told the Lord that I would stay in this church if that man asked me to pray, glanced at me a few times and got up and started walking towards the pews. I thought "Oh, maybe he is going to the batheroom" and then he got closer and in my pews row. Then I paniced in prayer and said "Oh, Lord no no I was just joking no!" and sure enough that man asked me if I wanted to go to the alter and pray and I said no, and he asked again, and I said no and he kindly shook his head and held out his hand and I got up and went the alter and prayed dumbfounded and amazed.

Change After that night I gradually started praying at the alter and finding out more about Jesus Christ. It took a lot of preaching and study and prayer for me to see the truth in Isaiah 9:6. Then, I was baptized in the name of Jesus Christ in a river on Feburary 29th 2004. My first few years I learned so much, I was a very young christian for a while (and still am even after almost 7 years) and thought I knew all there was to know. Thank the Lord I was able to grow as a walking the talk christian with a youth group. Christ has shown me so much and now I know that for all I know, I know nothing but I only understand in part, Christ helped me understand that commandments weren't rules placed to be mean; they were there out of love knowing that sin caused not only death but pain in living. Jesus was my answer, and He changed my life. Through out the years my love for Christ has grown into so much more than what I could explain. I live life alone for Him and His will. I'm not perfect but I seek after Him and I know that He knows my heart. I quit drinking, parties, pot, cussing, I even threw away my secular music. I forgave and put the past away .I grew my hair longer and started wearing skirts after a long struggle with conviction and surprisingly not by the ladies of my church but by the light that I saw when I saw that kind of submission and devotion. Even beyond what I wore, my heart and soul had found peace and the perfect love only Christ could give.

Other friends were shocked by the change that occurred in me by becoming a Christian. I lost many in the process because I wouldn't party anymore. I started working a lot when I turned 20 and made a lot of friends while working. They would always cave after a few days of me being nice and talking to them and ask me why I always wear skirts and that simply helps me to share my testimony (a little less detailed than this written one)by telling them...."I wasn't always like this...."

Honestly, Christ has done so much in my life (as I know he has in so many countless others) I have too many testimonies to list within this blog. I don't think anyone would read it lol. He has given me a passion and a fire that no one can steal away and I know I've only stepped unto the narrow road leading to Him. It's exciting and filled with wonder, His love is just to awesome to explain, but that its unexplainable, The most beautiful songs and psalms and stories of Him only give us a glimpse and on the day we are called away and called into the promise land we will know as we have been known. I long to be what He wants me to be, I want to live a life that will make Him smile and reflect what his love and glory can do in a sinner that repents.....

Megan